


Strange Case of Lily the Pink's Medicinal Compound

by fhsa_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: First Time, Humor, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-06
Updated: 2006-04-06
Packaged: 2019-02-05 19:09:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12800463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fhsa_archivist/pseuds/fhsa_archivist
Summary: I think the title, the pairing and the rating should give you a clue.co-written with Sue





	Strange Case of Lily the Pink's Medicinal Compound

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

"The people down there say that this woman is able to change her subjects' physiognomy. It's the weirdest thing..." Mulder couldn't sit still but paced around Skinner's office as if his butt were on fire. "You have to let me investigate this."

 

"Settle down, Mulder. You know that there's no real evidence that would allow you to take off for days on end to investigate this case." AD Skinner turned from the window that had been occupying his attention and came back to sit behind his desk, the very figure of authority. "And, although I hate to remind you, you are not alone. You *have* a partner."

 

"Don't remind me," said Mulder. "Give him a moment's airtime, and he spouts DOT statistics at me."

 

"Tell you what, take him with you, and I'll look the other way while you go down and look into the matter."

 

He made puppy dog eyes at Skinner. "Please, Skinner, don't make me take him along."

 

"Rules are rules, Agent Mulder," said Skinner, smiling ferally. "And, you need to follow those rules. It will be a good change for you."

 

~~~~~~~oo(O)~~~~~~~

 

Alex knew he was in serious trouble when Mulder returned from his mysterious 'errand'. Whatever ridiculous case his supposed partner had pitched to AD Skinner had obviously been rejected. Alex might be green, but he'd quickly learned - to his peril - that the shifty, secretive expression Mulder had worn that morning indicated that he was about to be dumped, again, while Mulder took off in hot pursuit of another X-File.

 

And he knew, without reservation, he *knew*, that despite Skinner's objections, Mulder would be gone by lunch time.

 

Mulder went to his desk and started fiddling. He straightened paper clips. He threw innumerable balls of wadded up paper at the trash can in his quirky version of office basketball. He tossed at least a dozen pencils upwards, each piercing the abused tiles to hang above Mulder's head, seemingly happy with its new home.

 

Then, he cleared his throat and turned to look at Alex, a considering look in his eyes. "Hey, Krycek," he said, entirely too casually for Alex's comfort.

 

"Forget it," Alex said firmly. "Whatever you're up to, don't even *try* to drag me into it."

 

He'd have laughed at the patently false expression of hurt disbelief with which Mulder greeted his rejection if he hadn't already learned that that expression was another one he should avoid at all costs.

 

"Forget it, Mulder," he repeated.

 

A pause, some paper rustling, and Mulder was obvious in his desire to get out of the office. Alex grinned to himself humorlessly and set out to make Mulder's life a misery.

 

"So where are we heading?" he asked, brightly. "I'm about ready to get out of DC for a day or two." He paused for a moment or two, then pulled his trump card out of his pocket. "I've got a new copy of "Strange Adventures," but you don't get to see it til we're on the plane. Got it?"

 

"You suck, Krycek," said Mulder, his face set in an ill-natured pout. "You promised me I could read it as soon as it came in. I'm never going to trust you again."

 

"Hey, you know what they say," said Krycek, smirking. "Trust no one. However, you can trust me to hide the next three editions, unless you tell me about this mission, Mulder."

 

Krycek sat back in his seat, a slight smile curving his full lips as he waited for the howl of anguish that he knew his words would cause. He was to wait in vain. Mulder hung his head and sighed.

 

"Okay, Krycek. You win. It's Alabama, and it's some sort of psychic healer. You don't have to come if you don't want to." Mulder waved his hands as if to demonstrate the silliness of his current mission. "You can stay and enjoy the capitol. There's a great concert on Thursd..."

 

"Not a chance, Mulder," said Krycek, somewhat sharply. "I'm coming with you."

 

"Fine, fine," Mulder agreed. Entirely too quickly for Alex's comfort. "Tell you what, we'll each head home and pack. Meet you at the airport? Say, about 3?"

 

"Oh no. Uh-uh. I'm not about to fall for that one again."

 

"Don't you trust me?" Mulder asked, his lower lip actually trembling with feigned hurt.

 

"Not a bit," Alex said cheerfully, rising to his feet. "Come on, we'll take one car, stop at each of our apartments, then head out to Dulles."

 

~~~~~~~oo(O)~~~~~~~

 

Mulder had given escape his best effort. Really, he had. Alex was not unappreciative of that - but, there was no way in hell that he was letting Fox 'Partner-Who-Needs-a-Partner' Mulder get away from him this time. No sir. If he had to handcuff himself to the older man, Alex would not lose him.

 

Actually... that didn't sound like such a bad idea now that he thought about it.

 

Entertained by Mulder's probable reaction to being chained to his partner, Alex found that the trip to Dulles passed by quickly and painlessly.

 

Once they were safely inside of the terminal, standing in line at the ticket counter, Mulder started fidgeting. And thinking. Krycek hid his smile, waiting patiently for his partner's next try.

 

"Say, Krycek?"

 

"Yes, Mulder?" he responded, wondering what plan Mulder would entertain him with.

 

Giving an exaggerated - and patently false - yawn, Mulder stretched mightily, then apologized. "Sorry. I didn't get much sleep last night."

 

"Sorry to hear that," Alex sympathized. "I slept like a baby. Didn't wake up at all."

 

He almost laughed aloud at the irritated frown Mulder couldn't quite conceal.

 

Mulder yawned again, then shrugged and gave Krycek 'the puppy dog eyes'. "Would you go to the Starbucks concession and get me a double cappuccino? I really need the caffeine."

 

"Nope."

 

Obviously stunned by Alex's refusal, Mulder took a few moments to gather his thoughts. Alex couldn't wait to hear what Plan B was. "Okay," Mulder said slowly. "I'll go get the coffee while you wait in line."

 

Unable to hide his amusement any longer, Alex grinned and shook his head. "Give it up, partner. I am *not* leaving your side. Consider us attached at the hip... in fact, just call me 'Agent Velcro'."

 

"Agent Pain-in-the-Ass, you little-"

 

"Tsk tsk, Mulder," Alex chided. "Is that any way for a federal employee to talk in public?"

 

"Krycek, you aren't endearing yourself to me; I think you should know that." Mulder's pout was a thing of mythical proportions.

 

"Yeah, yeah, Mulder," said Alex, grinning nastily. "Let's just cut the crap and go catch the plane."

 

Sighing, Fox Mulder obtained two tickets and led the way to the check-in.

 

~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~

 

Huntsville, Alabama, was a place of heat and soulless sunshine. Mulder rented a car and then refused to let Alex drive, in other words, business as usual. Speeding through the dusty, heat-shimmering countryside, Alex sighed and waited for Mulder to tell him more about the case they were on.

 

A half hour went by, and Alex smiled inwardly at Mulder's obviously growing impatience as he waited for Alex to pump him for information. He knew to the second when Mulder would break, and as Mulder finally started to talk, he quaked with inner laughter.

 

"It's some witch woman, from what I've heard. She claims to be able to cure serious afflictions, and she's been traveling around holding whacked out revivalist meetings. She's got this concoction she feeds to her victims, and things happen to them." Mulder paused to draw breath. "We've got photos of one of the subjects. He was brought to her because he couldn't walk properly. His lower limbs were wasting away, and she gave him some of her patented nostrum."

 

"Yeah? So what happened?"

 

"Check the file, Alex." Mulder's tone of voice indicated his suppressed excitement, and Alex knew that it would be a good one, that he was expected to reel back in amazement. Opening the folder, he took out the first photograph.

 

In spite of himself, he gasped.

 

"Fuck, Mulder, what the hell happened?" The man in the picture was normal from his head down to his waist, and then something strange had happened... Countless little rudimentary limbs sprouted from areas of the poor guy's body. Areas that Alex decided he really was not going to think about too much.

 

"Don't know yet. It's our job to figure this out." Mulder shrugged, trying to downplay his excitement. "Could be a witch. Or voodoo. A gypsy curse, maybe. The possibilities are endless." Despite himself, Mulder was practically quivering with curiosity. "There's this other guy... Johnny Hammer. Poor guy had a terrible stammer. Could hardly say a word. So, they gave him some of her medicinal compound. Now he's seen - but never heard."

 

With a gleeful grin, Mulder tapped his fingers on the steering wheel.Alex sighed. Why the hell did Mulder have to be so damned cute?

 

~~~~~~~oo(O)~~~~~~~

 

Once they'd reached their destination, Huntsville proved to be everything and less than Alex had anticipated. He accompanied Mulder into the local police station and stood by silently as the agent explained their presence. The sergeant at the front desk made no attempt to hide his amusement at Mulder's eagerness.

 

"Y'all Yankees are sure gung ho." He nodded and gave Krycek a sympathetic look. "Miz Pink is out on Route 61. Jest past the Parkers' hog farm. Ya cain't miss the turnoff."

 

Krycek just barely managed to suppress his groan. God only knew what Mulder and he would find at 'Miz Lily's'.

 

As it turned out, Preston Andrews - a fervent follower of Lily Pink's - had given the woman permission to park her disreputable RV on his property. And he wasn't pleased to find two Yankee Eff-Bee-Eye agents on his property.

 

"Got no idea whatcher talkin' about, boys. Don't know no Lily Pink. Even if ah did, ah wouldn't turn her over to the likes of y'all." He spat tobacco juice at Mulder's feet and ambled off to do God knew what in the nearest pig wallow.

 

"Okay, Krycek, let's go." The laconic voice was as inevitable as the coming of Christmas, and Alex suppressed a sigh.

 

"Mulder, I'm not going to go looking for voodoo practitioners in a hog wallow."

 

Some time later, as he poked his way around the mud and filth of his fifth sty, he found himself grinding his teeth and muttering curses that, had they taken effect, would have turned Mulder into something with almost as many legs as the man he'd seen in the photograph.

 

He was hot, tired and filthy, his work suit covered with substances better left unanalyzed, when he suddenly found a trap door into a darkened space below the pigpen. Calling Mulder, he beckoned him to come back from the wallow in which he was wading. "There's something here," he yelled.

 

As Mulder galloped over, Krycek pulled out his flashlight and shone it down into the space below. Dimly, he could see row upon row of glass jars.

 

"What do you think it is?" asked Mulder. "Moonshine, or some weird medicine?"

 

"Whichever it is, I'm so not going to be the one to taste-test it."

 

"Ah done told y'all boys there weren't no Lily-whatever 'round here."

 

Both men started in surprise, then turned to find a very irritated Preston Andrews glaring at them down the barrel of a shotgun.

 

"Ah, sir-" Mulder's weak voice was abruptly cut off by one very sharp elbow to his ribs.

 

Alex smiled in what he hoped was a friendly and inoffensive manner. "We don't mean any harm, Mr. Andrews. It's just that, well, it's kind of embarrassing. For my friend here." Cautiously he moved a step closer to the suspicious Southerner. "He has this problem, you see," Alex confided. "With his private parts. He's seen every kind of doctor you could imagine and not one of them has been able to help. I'm getting desperate - he's my partner and that means I have to spend most all of every day with him. All of his sulking and pouting and whining are driving me crazy."

 

Pausing to assess Andrews' reaction, Alex was pleased to see a little less hostility and a hint of sympathy in the man's eyes. He sighed dramatically and continued, "To tell you the truth, I'm about at my wits' end. My mother found an article about Lily Pink in one of her periodicals and told me, and here we are. We're really not here on official business; we just told the Sheriff that so he'd tell us where to find Lily." He frowned and looked concerned. "You won't tell anyone that we're not on a case, will you? We'd catch hell from our boss if he found out."

 

Andrews nodded and uncocked the shotgun, raising it to rest on one shoulder. "C'mon with me, boys," he said gruffly, then set off in an easterly direction.

 

"You are so dead, Krycek," Mulder whispered in his ear as they followed Andrews. "The minute we get out of here I'm going to kill you. Slowly and painfully."

 

"Hey, you wanted to find out about the woman; now you can. What's the big deal?" Alex grinned nastily and sauntered after the farmer. "Besides, you know you want to get rid of that nasty and persistent rash."

 

He continued to snicker as Andrews led them back behind the farmhouse to a small outbuilding. "Here we are," said the man. "Y'all can go in and talk to her iffen ya like, but y'll have to be a little careful. She's been drinking some, and she gets a little strange."

 

The room was dimly lit, all the sources of light muted, and the woman was very much in shadow, but when she spoke, it seemed to both men that her voice was familiar. "Hello, boys. What can I do for you?" she said.

 

"Good grief, it's Mae West alive and well and living in a pigsty," said Alex, in tones of astonishment.

 

"Why, thank you, kind sir," Lily simpered, batting her eyelashes at Alex. She lit a cigarette with panache and eyed the two, a distinct gleam of lust in her eyes. "A man of discerning taste, I see." Fixing her eyes on Mulder, she winked. "And you - tell Lily what she can do for you."

 

"I-I-I..." Mulder stuttered.

 

"Ooh, a shy one. Tell Ole Lily what she can do to make you more comfortable, handsome."

 

Mulder wasn't one to blush easily, but her sultry, insinuating voice was rattling him severely. He opened his mouth to say... something. And was most embarrassed to hear a kind of a helpless whimper escape him.

 

"He's a little shy, Ma'am," Krycek said, stepping in front of his partner. "You see, he has this problem. It's just a little ... well, he's ..."

 

"I *like* shy." She moved a little closer, saying, "Care to join me in a drink, then? Liquor might relax him enough to talk to me. I'm sure I can help." She gave Alex a knowing grin. "I'm sure that we can ease your beau's nerves between the two of us."

 

Alex was doing his best to suppress his hilarity at Mulder's stunned reaction to Miz Lily. It wasn't easy, but, in the interests of keeping Mulder from bolting out of there in shame and shock, he managed. Biting fiercely on his inner cheek, he nodded and agreed to a drink.

 

"Alex!" Mulder hissed, appalled. "We can't..."

 

"Sure you can, beautiful," Lily said huskily. "Your Alex will keep you safe - for the moment."

 

Libations of Southern Comfort were poured into shot glasses and passed out by the gracious lady with the thickly applied pan-stick makeup. Raising his glass, Alex toasted her. "To your pretty, dark eyes, Miz Pink."

 

"Oh, you!" Lily simpered, smacking the backs of his knuckles with a fan. "I know your type. You cajole a poor lady with sweet words, but your heart belongs to someone already, and you will never make good on those pleasant promises. Your companion here is very lucky you've chosen him to love you."

 

"Me?"

 

...said Mulder in tones of great astonishment, just as Alex said, "Mulder?"

 

"Oh, come now, boys, Miz Lily can see where your problem lies." She poured them another drink and passed it to them. As they drank, she clapped her hands. "My medicinal compound will help you. It never fails."

 

"What?" Mulder sprayed the remains of his mouthful all over the room as he leapt up from his seat. "You gave us that stuff? I don't want to turn into a centipede or anything." He gagged, looking piteously at Alex.

 

"Now, now, pretty boy. Y'all must know that Lily Pink's medicinal compound will cure you of whatever ails you, and I know just what that is." Lily simpered and raised her own glass to the two aghast men.

 

"What is it?" asked both men together.

 

"You're lovesick, my darlin's. You're pining for each other and never even knew it." Her voice was triumphant. "Just leave yourselves in Miz Lily's hands, and you won't know each other when I'm done."

 

"Yeah," said Alex, darkly. "That's what I'm afraid of."

 

"Never fear, darlin'. I know these things... and you'll know, too, before long."

 

Mulder groaned. "We are so fucked, Krycek."

 

With a girlish giggle, Lily shooed them towards the door. "Best get back to your hotel, my beauties. Before the compound sets to workin'."

 

"But-" Mulder started to protest.

 

"Trust me, boys. Y'all don't want your true desires to overtake you on the roadside." She licked her lips. "Of course, if you'd rather stay here tonight..."

 

"NO!" both men shouted in horror.

 

She chortled. "Well, a lady can dream, can't she? You two will be so pretty together."

 

"Oh, Jesus!" Krycek moaned. He grabbed Mulder by one arm and hustled him out the door.

 

Balking, Mulder hung back. "Krycek, I have questions for this woman."

 

"Later, Mulder."

 

Her husky laughter followed their retreat.

 

Alex drove like a bat out of hell back towards town. With each passing mile, the scent of Mulder, the sound of his own pounding heart, the ever-hardening cock in his too-tight trousers, made him a believer in Lily Pink's 'Medicinal Compound'. And, he could *feel* Mulder's eyes fixed on him. Not daring to return that gaze, he kept his eyes fixed on the road, fiercely concentrating on getting them back to their room.

 

He screeched into the lot, parked haphazardly, and they tumbled out of the car. Together, they raced inside, slamming the door shut behind them.

 

Following Alex Krycek up the stairs that led to their room, Fox Mulder hadn't been able to take his eyes off the other man's shapely butt. How had he never noticed it before? How come he'd never realized just how seductive Krycek actually was? He reached out a hand and squeezed, eliciting a breathy gasp as Krycek accelerated. Now at last in private, he was engaged in ripping the cheap polyester suit to shreds and not even noticing that his own thousand dollar Armani was suffering a similar fate, so engrossed was he in unwrapping the delicious body of his partner.

 

Krycek's hands were everywhere on Mulder's skin, that husky, breathless voice uttering obscenities that startled him almost as much as they turned him on.

 

"Fuck, Krycek, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

 

"No," was the terse reply, and then Krycek dropped to his knees, and oh, Jesus, halleluiah, praise the Lord and pass the tambourine.

 

Mulder reeled back from the fastest blow job in the west... the deep South, he corrected himself, pedantically. "Sorry about that, Krycek," he mumbled, as his partner licked up the stray traces of come from around his mouth.

 

"Shut up and turn round," gritted Krycek sweetly, grabbing Mulder and spinning him to face the wall.

 

Now, Alex had seen some pretty asses in his day, but this... Mulder's rear end was a work of art. Flawless didn't even come close to describing it. In fact, an entirely new word should be invented just to convey the perfection of Mulder's ass.

 

And it was *his*. For the taking. Fairy Godmothers, it seemed, did exist. For here before him was his dearest desire. Better yet, Mulder was writhing and shuddering in anticipation, asscheeks clenched involuntarily as he undulated against the wall.

 

Gripping the base of his cock tightly, Alex used his other hand to part those cheeks, revealing the tightly furled hole he fully intended to sink into as deep and hard as possible. Then, the one functioning brain cell in his head reminded him reminded him that they needed-

 

"Fuck!"

 

"Alex," Mulder whined. "Now, Alex. Please, *now*!"

 

"W-we need... something."

 

Mulder shook his head frantically. "Nooo. I'm clean, you're clean - we don't need a goddamned thing. Just fuck me, Alex."

 

"Lube, we need lube."

 

"No."

 

With the last of his control, Alex insisted, "Mulder, I am *not* gonna hurt you. I can't."

 

"My shaving kit," Mulder panted. "Look... in there."

 

Throwing aerosol cans, aftershave and a razor haphazardly around, tossing soap and shampoo aside, Krycek scrabbled through the toiletries, finally dumping the entire thing out onto the floor.

 

"Yes!" the hiss of satisfaction was enough to bring Mulder round from the private world of orgasmic tension he'd been inhabiting. Holding up the bottle of body lotion that had been lifted from some hotel long ago forgotten, Krycek squeezed some onto his now throbbing dick. "Yes!" he said again and pressed tight against Mulder's long, elegant back.

 

The heat of Mulder's ass against his cock, newly slathered in cold lotion, was such a contrast that Krycek found himself crying out. Driving himself inside that heat was something he couldn't have stopped if he tried.

 

Reaching around for Mulder's erection, up again despite the earlier blow job, he began to fuck, rubbing the meaty shaft in time with his thrusts.

 

"I want you. I've always wanted you, Mulder," he panted and leaned to bite the other man's neck. "Good old medicinal compounds, is what I say."

 

"Mmmm. Couldn't have said it better myself," Mulder agreed.

 

On the next thrust, Alex hit Mulder's prostate. The resulting scream only made him want more, and more... and more. "God, Mulder," Alex gasped. "You feel so... you sound... Do that again. That sound."

 

Gasping for air, Alex shoved himself into Mulder's ass with increasing force and speed. "Scream for me. I want to hear you - how much you're loving this."

 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Mulder yelled. He met every thrust of Alex's with one of his own. "Harder, Alex. Make me feel it. Make me come!"

 

Growling, Alex did so, gnawing on Mulder's shoulder and back with increasing ferocity. The screams and growls grew louder as they approached orgasm. Each could feel release approaching, balls tightening, toes tingling. And, *Yes*. With matching roars, they came together, harder than either could ever remember coming in their lifetimes.

 

Still connected, they slid down to the floor and passed out cold, Alex wrapped tightly around Mulder.

 

Mulder awoke to the sound of the telephone shrilling from his discarded jacket's pocket. He moaned and tried to stand up, but there was something holding him down. Glancing over his shoulder, his worst nightmare was confirmed. Alex Krycek, naked, was snuggled up to him, still out cold on the floor, and if Mulder was not mistaken, there was a very substantial portion of the Krycek anatomy stuck in his butt.

 

"Alex. Hey, Alex, wake up." Mulder pulled at Krycek, trying to dislodge him, but it was not to be. "For Pete's sake, Alex..."

 

He groped for his jacket and pulled a sleeve towards him. Huh? It was a sleeve, but the rest of the jacket wasn't attached. "Oh, shit. That's my new suit down the drain. The fashion world just isn't ready for sleeveless jackets, yet."

 

Krycek hadn't stirred, and the phone was still shrilling. He moaned and stretched forward, Alex still firmly attached. Reaching the rest of his jacket, he fumbled inside the pockets, looking for the source of the jarring sound.

 

"Yeah? Mulder," he said, at length, after a battle with his fingers as he attempted to get the phone open.

 

"Why, Mr. Mulder, how nice to hear that Yankee voice of yours." Miz Lily's dulcet tones stroked his ear, pouring over his battered senses like molasses.

 

"Do you know what you've done? Do you realize?" Mulder was outraged. His tensed body made Krycek moan as he slept. "I can't get him off me. He's *stuck* to me."

 

"You have to learn to roll with the punches, pretty boy," said the annoying voice. "You know you love him. Why don't you believe?"

 

"Believe? Believe what?" Mulder was betrayed into the question despite his awareness of her meaning, outraged by her apparent obtuseness. "You just get me free of him! He's stuck right in my ass."

 

"My dear boy, just as soon as you admit to yourself what you know to be true, you and he will be fine. Once you do, come on over and we'll drink a toast to you two fine young men."

 

Alex was awakened rather rudely by a sharp pinch to his ass.

 

"Hey!" he protested sleepily. "What the hell was that for?"

 

Another, even sharper, pinch was the answer.

 

Insulted, he tried to jerk back, out of range of those evil fingers.

 

"Ouch," grumbled an alarmingly familiar voice.

 

"Mulder?"

 

"Yes, Krycek."

 

"Are we...? Is my...?"

 

"Yes, Krycek. Your cock is firmly lodged in my asshole."

 

"Oh. Why?"

 

"Gee, Krycek, might it have something to do with Miz Lily's magic potion?"

 

"Oh, God," Alex moaned. "We can't stay like this forever. What are we gonna do?"

 

Mulder huffed out an exasperated breath. "According to your *friend*, Lily, we stay here until we admit how we feel about each other."

 

"Feel?" Alex repeated weakly.

 

"Yes, Krycek. *Feel*. Apparently the woman is convinced that we love each other."

 

Dropping his head against Mulder's shoulder, Alex wished with all his being that he could just disappear right there and then. While it was true that he'd fallen had for his partner, there wasn't a chance in hell that his feelings were returned.

 

"Sorry," he mumbled. "'S my fault."

 

"It sure the fuck is!" Mulder snapped. Then, after a pause, "Wait a minute. Are you saying that you do? Love me?"

 

"Um. Well... yeah. I do. I have from the beginning."

 

"How the hell can you say that, Krycek?" Mulder leant back and peered at his partner over his shoulder. "You didn't know me. You still don't."

 

"Of course I do. You're an arrogant asshole, and you're always fucking right. You're cheap, you have no social skills, and your diet is unhealthy. What's not to love?" Krycek laid his cheek against Mulder's shoulder. "You also have the sexiest ass I have ever seen, and I guess if I have to have my dick stuffed up someone for the rest of my life, I'm glad that it's you."

 

Mulder gazed aghast at Krycek during this little speech and finally began to turn purple.

 

"Breathe, Mulder," Krycek prompted hastily. As Mulder made no response, he grabbed hold of Mulder's balls, squeezing them sharply.

 

The whoosh of air. followed by a coughing fit, relieved him a little, and he pulled Mulder back into a fond embrace. "I love you. I guess that's all there is to it. Sorry 'bout that, Mulder."

 

Sorry? Krycek was sorry? Just where the hell did the little shit get off saying that he loved him? Confused didn't even begin to describe Mulder's mental state. He was just... lost. How could anyone love him? Long ago, Mulder had decided that love was a myth, perpetrated by religious types in order to encourage monogamy and propagation.

 

"There is no such thing as love, Krycek," he said roughly. "And even if there was, well, I'm not... people just don't feel that way about me."

 

"'I want to believe', isn't that your motto, Agent Mulder? I feel the way I feel. Whether or not you return those feelings, *I* believe."

 

"Fuck you, Krycek." Mulder squirmed uncomfortably. "And I have to take a piss. *Do* something!"

 

Alex snickered. "Not too sure what I can do to help you out there. I, um, suppose we could try to get to our feet and into the bathroom."

 

"I was thinking more along the lines of you calling Lily and telling her that she's wrong."

 

"Do you really think she'd listen to me?" Alex asked, amused.

 

"It's worth a try, dammit."

 

"Fine, fine. Give me the phone."

 

Taking the cell phone from Mulder, Alex regarded it distrustfully for a moment or two, and then with a snort of laughter, he pitched it across the room towards the bathroom. There was a moment of silence, and then a splooshing sound as the thing arced gracefully into the toilet.

 

"Forget it, Mulder. You're just going to have to get in touch with the way you feel about me."

 

"You fucking bastard..." Mulder's face was suffused with fury, purple with his rage. Alex Krycek studied it for a second, then grabbed him by the ears, and, with Mulder still spluttering, Alex pulled him in and kissed him soundly.

 

All the fight went out of Mulder, and he melted. His arms snaked around as much of Krycek as they could hold, and he returned the kiss as though he were dying and it was his last reviving draft.

 

"You just have to love me, Fox," said Alex in his breathy way, lips moving against the other man's mouth as he spoke.

 

"I..." Mulder looked at him out of drowned eyes, mouth kiss-swollen and wanton, and Alex let him get no further, taking his lips again, taking it all, tongue sliding over soft, wet tissue and making him moan.

 

"Yeah?" Alex whispered at length. "You?" he prompted, helpfully.

 

"I need to pee."

 

"You bastard!"

 

"Well, I do!"

 

Alex sighed and shrugged. "Okay, if we shift just a little closer to the dresser, one of us should be able to reach the ice bucket."

 

"I am *not* pissing in an ice bucket," Mulder protested indignantly.

 

"Then go on the floor."

 

"That's disgusting, Krycek."

 

"Look, if you think we can get to our feet and over to the bathroom without causing your ass irreparable damage, I'm game to give it a try," Alex said shortly.

 

He gave up on his ridiculous hopes. Mulder might want him physically, but emotionally the man was so repressed that he would never admit to liking, let alone loving, Alex Krycek. "Then I'll call Lily. Maybe she'll help get you out of this." Emphasis on the 'you'.

 

Mulder felt a twinge of guilt at the flat, hopeless tone of Krycek's voice. But-

 

"It's not you, Krycek. I just don't... I'm not..."

 

"Oh, shut up, Mulder. You don't like me, and you're not gay. I get it already, okay? Let's just figure out how to get up so we can get ourselves out of this mess."

 

"Never saw you as the self-pitying type," Mulder said sharply, trying to escape the feeling that he was making a huge mistake.

 

"I don't feel sorry for myself, Mulder. I feel sorry for you."

 

"Why, you..." Krycek ducked, avoiding the awkward blow that Mulder swung at him, then swooped in under his guard to hold him close, nuzzling in with a laugh as Mulder growled out his realization that his partner's move had prevented him getting the proper force behind a punch.

 

"Don't, Fox, please."

 

The plea in that soft, breathy voice made Mulder freeze for a moment. Taking a good look at his partner, he realized at last that this was no jest. Merely raw emotion, only partially concealed, shining from Krycek's anguished face.

 

"Hell, Krycek, you mean it, don't you? You really do care for me." Mulder seemed astonished, and more than a little scared, at the thought.

 

"I already told you," was the expressionless reply. "You heard me. I know you did. Why didn't you think I meant it? Oh, yeah, I forgot; it's always all about you, isn't it, Mulder?"

 

Krycek's chin went up, his eyes shone brighter than usual, and Mulder suddenly realized that he had hurt his partner's feelings - not a good thing when said partner's dick was stuck up one's ass.

 

"Hey, Krycek... Alex...." Mulder paused, uncertain how to soothe the other man's ruffled sensitivities. Wide green eyes met his, and Mulder felt a jolt pass through him. "You're beautiful," he said, suddenly, in tones of wonder. "You really are fucking gorgeous."

 

"How appropriate, really," sneered Krycek. "Considering where my dick is right now."

 

"C'mon, Alex. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disparage you. I wasn't thinking."

 

Contrition looks good on you, thought Alex. Aloud he said, waspishly, "You never are."

 

Mulder didn't say anything more right then. Alex glanced up at Mulder to find that he was looking at Krycek's lips, obviously wondering if there was any possibility of renewing his acquaintance with them.

 

"You're staring, Mulder," Alex said with a mildly reproving frown.

 

"Um... your mouth looks very..."

 

Alex knew he was an attractive man. Hell, he'd used his looks to his advantage more than once during his lifetime. But now, here with Mulder... He'd dreamed of more. So much more. Foolishly, he'd hoped that it could be something beyond Mulder just wanting him - his looks - his body.

 

For the first time in his life, Alex had wanted to do more than have mindless sex. He'd wanted to make love. To have someone make love to him. Not his pretty eyes or full mouth or nice body, just... him. Alex.

 

On the other hand, beggars, he knew all too well, couldn't be choosers. And, since his cock *was* buried deeply in Mulder's ass and not at all averse to the idea of more action, because, well, he'd be a fool to pass up this opportunity.

 

Particularly because it was undoubtedly one of those once in a lifetime opportunities.

 

His eyelids dropped to half-mast while his hand moved across Mulder's chest, fingering the sparse scattering of hair. Moving his hips in a circular motion, he licked his lips and whispered suggestively, "As long as we're stuck here..."

 

Mulder smiled, moving to kiss the tender mouth he'd been eyeing, but Krycek pulled back. "Why? What?" He frowned, little-boy petulance showing on his face as he was denied.

 

"I'm saving my kisses for a lover, Mulder. You want me to fuck you, fair enough, but to get the whole deal, you have to want me to make love to you." Alex's voice was soft, so soft that it was barely audible. He licked a finger and began to fondle Mulder's nipple, and Mulder blinked, hissing in a breath.

 

"Alex, I... I do want you to make love to me," he said in a low voice. "I really do." Alex looked up, and Mulder added hastily, "But first, I have to pee!"

 

"God, all right. On the count of three..." They somehow managed to get to their knees, and as the count reached three, they scrambled to their feet, still fixed firmly together. "And now, I guess, we just have to get to the bathroom. I don't quite know what's going to happen when I want to go. That's going to be an interesting exercise."

 

Mulder cast an anxious look over his shoulder at the junior agent. "Krycek, you don't want to...?"

 

"No, not at the moment, Mulder, but sooner or later I'm going to need to, and it's going to give a whole new slant to the concept of colonic irrigation." There was laughter in Krycek's voice that he couldn't quite hide as they made their faltering way over to the bathroom to allow Mulder to relieve himself, and Mulder found himself wishing that Alex would smile more, laugh more.

 

Bladder emptied, he turned his head again. "Make love to me, Alex. Please?"

 

"I will, Mulder. I will," Alex promised. "But not in the bathroom."

 

"The bed?"

 

"Yeah," was the breathy response. "The bed."

 

Despite the awkwardness of moving while connected this way, Mulder could only feel a growing sense of anticipation as they moved to the bed. Somehow, they managed to remove the blankets and crawl onto the mattress without injury to either, ending up on their sides, Krycek spooned up behind him.

 

Turning his head to the side, Mulder met Alex's eyes and smiled tremulously. "Will you kiss me now?" he asked softly.

 

Their mouths meshed together as if they'd been lovers for an eternity. They explored each other at length, Alex reveling in the way Mulder accepted and returned his need. But, God, this was going to hurt. When it was over and Mulder went back to his old, reserved, self, it would hurt.

 

He gently broke off the kiss, closing his eyes and sighing heavily.

 

"Alex? What's wrong?"

 

"I... I'm not sure I can do this. It's too much."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Mulder... when I said that I loved you, I meant it. This, making love like this, I don't know how I'll deal with the pain when you deny me afterwards."

 

"Deny you?" Mulder's words were uttered in a voice thick with need. "How could I deny you?" He pulled Alex back, straining over his shoulder to kiss him again.

 

"Mulder, what is it with you? Why are you so insistent on kissing me?" Krycek was stiff in his arms, although he was fucking Mulder hard, each movement dragging a ragged breath out of both of them.

 

"Kry... Alex, I..." Mulder couldn't speak for a moment as Alex continued to pound into him. At last, somehow, he managed to find the breath to respond, and opened his lips to do so. "I think..."

 

"Save it, Mulder. No more kisses. Let's just fuck." Alex's voice was harsh.

 

"But, Alex, I love you. Why don't you just listen, asshole?" Outraged,

Mulder was shouting loudly enough for their neighbor to bang on the wall of the hotel room.

 

Krycek froze, then, slowly withdrew his still rampant cock from Mulder's ass and rolled the senior agent onto his back. He didn't say anything, he merely plastered himself to the man lying beneath him, and kissed him hard.

 

Breaking off the kiss, Alex looked down at his no-longer-stuck-in-Mulder's-ass cock. "You really do?" he asked, amazed. "You love me?"

 

"Yes, Alex. I really do," Mulder confirmed. "Never thought of myself as the lovable type, though. You'll have to go easy on me."

 

Alex's eyes twinkled slyly. "Easy. I can do easy." Laughing, he ground his erection against Mulder's hip.

 

"I'm meant in the emotional/relationship stuff department," Mulder said, in an attempt to be serious.

 

"Yeah. Not really my thing, either. We'll just have to muddle our way though this. But for now," Alex spread his legs lewdly. "Fuck me, Fox."

 

The phone rang then. Loudly and rudely. With a pained groan, Mulder reached out one long arm and grabbed the receiver. "What?" he answered impatiently.

 

"I can't tell you how happy I am that you boys have worked things out," Miz Lily purred into his ear. "I just knew y'all belonged together. When can I 'spect a visit? We have a toast to drink, remember?"

 

"Later," Mulder groaned. "Much, much later."

 

Lily's throaty laughter was clearly audible as Mulder fumbled the phone back onto its base.

 

"So, Alex... you were saying?"

 

Grinning, Alex grasped Mulder's hips, arching up against him suggestively. "I said, 'Fuck me, Fox.'"

 

"I can do that," Mulder said, returning that brilliant grin with one of his own.

 

And, proving that he could on occasion follow an order without argument, Mulder did exactly as Alex asked.

 

~~~~~~~oo(O)~~~~~~~

 

_Lily the Pink_

_[Chorus:]_

_We'll drink a drink a drink_

_To Lily the Pink the Pink the Pink_

_The saviour of the human race_

_For she invented medicinal compound_

_Most efficacious in every case._

_Mr. Frears_

_Had sticky-out ears_

_And it made him awful shy_

_And so they gave him medicinal compound_

_And now he's learning how to fly._

_Brother Tony_

_Was notably bony_

_He would never eat his meals_

_And so they gave him medicinal compound_

_Now they move him round on wheels._

_[Chorus]_

_Old Ebeneezer_

_Thought he was Julius Caesar_

_And so they put him in a Home_

_Where they gave him medicinal compound_

_And now he's Emperor of Rome._

_Johnny Hammer_

_Had a terrible ss..ss..ss..ss..ss..ss..stammer_

_He could hardly s..s..say a word_

_And so they gave him medicinal compound_

_Now he's seen (but never 'eard)!_

_[Chorus]_

_Auntie Millie_

_Ran willy-nilly_

_When her legs, they did recede_

_And so they rubbed on medicinal compound_

_And now they call her Millipede._

_Jennifer Eccles_

_Had terrible freckles_

_And the boys all called her names_

_But she changed with medicinal compound_

_And now he joins in all their games._

_[Chorus]_

_Lily the Pink, she_

_Turned to drink, she_

_Filled up with paraffin inside_

_and despite her medicinal compound_

_Sadly Picca-Lily died._

_Up to Heaven_

_Her soul ascended_

_All the church bells they did ring_

_She took with her medicinal compound_

_Hark the herald angels sing._

_OoooooooooooooooWeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee'lll...[into Chorus]_

_Attributed to tradition, and arranged by McGough/McGear/Gorman_

_Performed by British Pop Group "Scaffold"_


End file.
